I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
