she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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