i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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