Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
