I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
