just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
