I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he was CRYING into my vagina
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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