Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Soap is not a condiment
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
