his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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