She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
