What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
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How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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