Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
