i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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