ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
