I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
