Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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