just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
