can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
