Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
