I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
