There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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