I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
