we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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