He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
