Capitaan dildo arrescate!
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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