I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
