It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
