I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
