Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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