i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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