it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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