Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
