he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
