An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
