I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
