If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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