totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
