ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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