I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
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then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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