Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
