apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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