is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
