Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
