Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
