Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
