you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
