Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!