When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
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He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
My thoughts exactly.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
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The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.