seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
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You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
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I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted