The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
