I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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