And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
