he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
