i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
