Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
