I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
high people should be assigned attendants
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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