Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
