There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
