Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
