he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
