i barfeds in our rink
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
