Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
