I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
